Friday 29 April 2011

A right royal event

Awwww, just watched the Royal Wedding.  I can't help it, I am a royalist and I do love the Royal family.  I must admit as I sit here I wonder why I didn't make the effort to actually go into the city and be there for real event but the coverage has been exceptional.  I'm sure the atmosphere there would have been amazing but it has already reduced me to tears.  All that is left now is the kiss on the balcony.

I wasn't born when Charles and Diana married but I have seen the footage and the photos and of course the kiss.  A Royal wedding does seem to be the epitome of romance and class.  Kate's dress was beautiful, just the right amount of elegance, she looked effortlessly regal despite its old-fashioned quality.  I think it set the tone for the whole wedding.

I did cry during the service.  For a long time after my divorce I viewed all weddings as pointless and stupid and would be filled with bitterness and rage but after the hurt had died down and time had passed, they began again to be a joyful occasion.  It always fills me with joy to see two people marrying for love - it's almost like all things can be overcome and nothing bad will ever happen again.  Today's wedding had me in floods, tears at the love, tears at the sadness of my own.

I hope that any future wedding of mine will be one of love and not sadness, it is a huge undertaking to be wedded to another.  I don't think people realise the effect it does have on them, especially that change of identity and being known as someone elses' wife rather then yourself in your own right.  I wish William and Kate all the luck in the world, we all know he will be king next and her life will change once more.  Today is a sad day for her parents really - never again will Kate be able to just pop in for a cuppa or go for a shopping trip with her mum.  In fact, I don't think she will really ever see her parents again and as she gripped her fathers hand during her walk up the aisle, it was clear that Kate knew she was also signing her 'normal' life away.  For all their talk of normality, they can never get away from the fact that they are the country's prince and princess.  Let us not forget that Diana was the People's Princess and I think the Duchess of Cambridge will soon follow in those footsteps.

Saturday 23 April 2011

Standing in the way

I've been chatting to various people lately about the perceived cant's in my life and it has been pointed out to me gently and somewhat less tactfully that the only person standing in my way is me.

I state a problem, listen to the answer and then say oh I can't do that because blah, blah, blah.  And it's curious to even look back and realise that you are standing in your own way.  The human mind is a powerful thing, it really can stop you in your tracks or push you beyond all your goals.  I don't understand why I would put road blocks in my way.  I don't understand why I would rock the boat and risk the destruction of good things for no apparent reason.

It reminds me of The Matrix (bear with me), when it is explained to Neo that the original computer programme failed because it made life too perfect for the human brain to accept.  Are we really evolutionarily hard wired to expect things to go wrong and bad things to happen all the time?  Do we really expect to fail at every corner and be beaten before we even start?

It is a peculiar thing and I'm not sure how to overcome it.  People say, oh just relax and don't worry and everything will be fine.  I actually feel relaxed and unworried so that's clearly not going to work!!  The world is so much smaller today, everything is so much closer and the pressure to be the best you can be is immense. 

When it is only yourself standing in the way of yourself you can wonder what you can do about it.  Do I get up off the sofa?  Shall I have another cup of tea?  Does this blog need to be a bit longer?  Ah yes, you've caught me - all these pontifications are not designed to get out of my way.  Epic fail once more.  *sigh*

Tuesday 12 April 2011


If I didn't eat so much, I wouldn't need to keep going on a diet and there wouldn't be biscuits in my middle drawer (people always check the top one!!).

If I had more money, I wouldn't be so poor but then I would probably spend frivolously on things that don't mean anything and I probably still wouldn't be able to go on that amazing holiday.

If I didn't have to work, I would no longer be sat bored at work but would probably be bored out of my skull at home and be gagging to do something or maybe I would just not get out of bed.

If I didn't have an ass the size of a small country it would be a perky, pert thing worthy of a wolf whistle or three.

If my boobs weren't so big perhaps I wouldn't get so much leery attention when I wear a tight top but then the baggy ones make me look much bigger then I actually am.

If I was a brainiac I would have already finished my degree and wouldn't be slogging through piles of homework that make my brain actually hurt and I wouldn't have to worry about my upcoming resit exam.

If I hadn't learnt to live the Spanish way - maƱana - then I wouldn't constantly say that the diet/exercise programme starts tomorrow.

If is a great word - we can forgive ourselves for so much by saying if, if, if but really I think if all our ifs were solved we'd just find new ones.

Now.. where's that biscuit tin..

Thursday 7 April 2011

TV made me cry

It's silly really, why a TV show should make you bawl your eyes out.  But they do.  Lovers say tearful farewells and you sob into your t-shirt as the tears flow.  You cry because you don't want to have to say a tearful farewell to your loved ones.  Despite the show being set in a fictional setting, the basic facts of life never change.  You will always miss the ones you love especially if you have to say goodbye before you are ready to.  And the writers know this, its what they are counting on, its what they tap into to make their show last longer than all the others.  They want you to feel, to share the pain, to rage against the unfairness of it all.

I can almost guarantee that the episode you remember the most is the one that made you cry the most.  Strong emotions stay with us - oftentimes the negative emotions over the positive which is a shame as it seems that happiness could very well be the fountain of youth.  As I write this I contradict my own thought processes - comedies stick in your mind too - everyone has a favourite episode of Friends or Seinfeld or Frasier or Cheers or something.  Perhaps it is the blend of laughter and tears that we need to get right.. and not just in light entertainment.  Although perhaps our lives are light entertainment for someone(thing).

Our inability to deal with our emotions may be what leads us to watch a film we know is going to make us cry because we need an excuse to tap into that emotion.  Lets face it, if someone we know is overly emotional it makes us nervous and we prefer to make as much distance between us and them.  We prefer to loose ourselves in fiction, TV or film and feel our emotions that way.  And for the most part it seems to work - it certainly seems to keep the filming business booming.

I muse that this blogs needs an end, it had a beginning and a middle.  How to end, how to end?  Perhaps some large outpouring of emotion?  I've been humming the tune to Sesame Street lately, my inner child obviously needs a damn good dancin' so maybe that's what I'll do.  Have a boogie woogie, a shimmy and a shake and a be bop do wop.

Wednesday 6 April 2011

Under Pressure

We all love Queen so yes, this is a little indulgence on my part for a brilliant song however... I'm screaming, let me out!! 

I'm feeling the pressure.  I feel its hot breath on my neck making my hackles rise.  I feel its weight on my chest making it hard for me to breathe.  I feel it crushing me downwards making it hard to stand up straight, to walk tall, to look you in the eye.  The pressure is winning.

But even when the big shoe is crushing down on the tiny beetle, its shell can be tough.  Maybe it can withstand the pressure.  Perhaps there will only be a small cracking.  Sometimes the tiny beetle survives and can glue its shell back together.  The key I think is to identify the pressure points and let that steam escape.

Scream.  Jump up and down.  Stamp your feet.  Punch that pillow.  Don't eat the chocolate cake!!  Pressure can make you crazy.  It can make you do stupid things.  It can make it feel like the whole world is falling down on top of you and there is nothing you can do about it.  Pressure cooks you.  Your brain keeps going and going and going and going and going and does not stop.  Ever.  Pressure eats you up from the inside bringing simmering rage to the surface, making every problem a million, million times bigger than it is.  If you can admit that pressure is killing you then surely there are things you can do to stop that pressure from winning. 

Another name for pressure?  Worry.  You worry because you feel under pressure to achieve something and that you are never ever going to get there.  Then you worry that you are worrying.  Pressure.  Pressing down on you. 

Are you a quitter? 

Does it really matter if you are?

Friday 1 April 2011

April Fools

I like April - it makes me feel like we are most definitely into Spring now and therefore Summer can only be a hop, skip and a jump away.  I have never been quite sure about April Fools Day though.  I am not sure whether this is a national (international) event that I can get my head around - I mean, what is it all about?

According to Wikipedia, which of course is completely unbiased and is never incorrect about anything ever, All Fools Day first appeared in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales.  Now I know we are all classically read but just in case you can't spring this particular tome to mind it essentially describes how the vain cock Chauntecleer is tricked by a fox - a joke is played upon him on the first of April.  Naturally this date, concept etc etc is argued by academics so we will just take Wikipedias word for it.  It didn't appear more regularly until the 16th century and is now a firmly established 'holiday'. 

I wouldn't be surprised if Hallmark hadn't already created a Happy April Fools Day card with a suitable sentimental poem inside... oh dear!

As we chatted about the merits of the day and the fear of birthing a child on 1st April, it was brought to my attention that the BBC first took part in April Fools shenanigans in 1957 with a special report on harvesting spaghetti from the spaghetti bush.  This link includes a video of the humorous event - - ah what fun they had in the 50s!!

I hope you had a foolish day x