Saturday 29 September 2012

Life Lesson

It is often when we think everything is ok that life decides we need to learn a valuable lesson.  It is often when we least expect it that the ground beneath us is wrenched away and we find ourselves falling into the unknown.  I made a mistake.  And that mistake has cost me my job.  I spent most of yesterday in a state of hyperventilating shock and tears before I decided to take life by the horns and think about the silver lining.

I've always believed, had to believe, that things happen for a reason - the good and the bad.  It's the only way to get through the tough times, hoping that there is logic behind the awfulness.  Otherwise we would get lost in despair, trapped by the bleakness of a hopeless future where nothing will ever get better.  I've got at least another 50ish years left inside me, I wonder what amazing and wonderful things I will find.

I often say I like a challenge, well now I have a rather large one looming infront of my face, so it's time to gird the old loins and step once more into the breach.  The time for tears and self pity has past, what's done is done - you can never undo your mistakes, only learn from them and make sure you don't repeat them in the future. 

Wednesday 26 September 2012

Sore thumb

I love the phrase 'sticking out like a sore thumb'.  And I love, love, love Josh Wheadon's attention to the sore thumb question:

XANDER:In no way do we stick out like sore thumbs.
WILLOW:Okay, but do they really stick out?
WILLOW:Sore thumbs. Do they stick out? I mean, have you ever seen a thumb and gone, 'Wow! That baby is sore!'
XANDER:You have too many thoughts.

This is often how my own thought processes unravel and when I occasionally share my thoughts I'm pretty sure most people around me come to the same conclusion that Xander had of Willow.  I know a 'Xander' - I love him dearly.

So about this thumb.   It occurred to me as I slogged to work this morning in baggy black trousers, trainers and a grey hoody that I don't really fit into the high powered, rush hour slew of individuals at Liverpool Street Station.  I'm not saying that I felt uncomfortable, because I didn't - possibly a little wistful at the perfectly manicured nails, salon perfect hair, size slim-bitch outfits and cutting edge fashions (and that's just the blokes!)  It did make me wonder what they perfect sheep thought about me.

A fairly non-descript plodder.  I'm guessing that unless I got slowly into somebody's rush-hour desperation way I went unnoticed.  I know how to blend, I'm good with wallflowers.  Randomly my cup of tea tastes like roast lamb but that is definitely a comment for another blog.  I think this lack of attention is a massive problem with our society. 

I'm not saying that I want everyone on my journey to work to stare at me in an uncomfortable, did I forget to get dressed, kind of way but.... no-one says good morning anymore.  No-one smiles or shares their paper.  We don't recognise anyone on our commute because the volume of people is so huge and each one is a walled up fortress of don't touch me, don't speak to me, don't make eye contact.  It's quite sad really.

The human bean is meant to be the fabulously social animal yet most of our youth are locked away in their individual bedrooms living a virtual life with the telephone numbers of suicide hotlines saved in their favourites.  Everyone has problems, no-one can cope, everyone is bleeding on the inside and only those who can act their asses off make it through the day without a crack, a crumble or a tear.  We are all sticking out like thumbs and I think, if we took a moment and really looked, those babies would be sore.

Friday 14 September 2012

Inner thoughts

I''m alone with my thoughts this evening.  Usually this involves complex inner monologues of witty banter and supreme intellect which I desperately try to cling to in order to blog with ease however this week my scattered thoughts turn to sadness and bravery.

Every week is a marathon to someone.  Every week someone climbs a mountain.  Every week someone achieves the impossible and quite often no-one ever knows about it.  The beginning of this week was possibly the most exciting beginning I have ever experienced.  I found out I was pregnant.  With the tick tock ticking of my grasshopper clock murmuring in my ears I am very conscious of the rapid march of time and the need to bring small ones into the happy nest.  Imagine my delight.  Imagine if you will the utter joy and the tears of happiness at such wonderful news.

Track forwards a few days and hear the words early miscarriage.  Imagine my grief.  Imagine the tears that wouldn't stop and the heart that broke.  It was just not meant to be.  I understand that perhaps this is not the stuff of blogs and perhaps these things should be left to the privacy of our innermost thoughts but sometimes not sharing those thoughts can weigh heavily on the mind.  Perhaps this is the time to stand up and say here is the mountain I tumbled down this week.  For are we not a social animal, do we not grow in the love and care of others?  Can we not then share our lows and our highs and ride through the deepest, darkest depths with our fellow grasshoppers.

There is one thing you can always be sure of.  Bad news weeds out the great friends.  It is often after bad news hits that you know who will stand by you and hold your hand and just breathe with you.  It is times of great sadness that you know you are loved.  The silent strength and support I had from my beloved this week was such a comfort.  I know I am loved but now I know I am loved.   The bravery is to pick myself up, dust myself down and carry on.  To go to work ignoring the petty small mindedness of ignorant colleagues and to thank my stars every day for those I love and who love me.  To support my family during hard times ahead with new and recurrent health problems and to be their strength when sadness threatens to overwhelm them.  We must continue down this road of life in spite of pitfalls and darkness that may block our way, safe in the knowledge that with your hand in mine, everything will be alright.