Now, if you've never had heartburn then you may leave, go on, off you go.
It's a singular experience. It begins with a vague uncomfortableness that grows and grows into a burning column of fire. Bending and lying down will often trigger it but so does eating and drinking. Now the 'professionals' will say there are only certain types of food that set heartburn off however, I can reliably inform you that water does the trick just as well as anything else. Although if I were you, I would steer clear of any and all pastry. I know.
But surely you can just take some medicine and all is well with the world, I hear you ask. Indeed, that is a pleasant theory. Four Rennies and eight dessertspoonfuls of Gaviscon later, heartburn is still kicking my oesophagus so I'm going to say no, not so much. And let's discuss this medicine. Rennies. Imagine eating minty chalk that dries your mouth out and leaves a nasty taste behind. Gaviscon. It's a thick, white liquid that is hard to swallow. I'll let you decide what it sounds like. But yes, you're right, it does come in mint flavour so really there's nothing to complain about, is there? And you can always wash it down with some water. Because that doesn't give you heartburn.
Cankles are a thing of beauty, aren't they? That wonderful feeling of having lost your ankle within swollen flesh and the odd pain that comes with it as you try your best to flex the hidden joint. Socks have become your enemy, they will leave deep slices in your flesh that don't fill out again for quite some time. And it's one of those odd things that you don't really notice as being all that uncomfortable until you take the sock off. And then you have to brazen it out, sitting with your deformed flesh on show. My favourite part is when you can't move your toes anymore because your foot is so swollen. I mean, we shouldn't grumble really. You don't get to see your feet that much during the later stages of pregnancy so at least when you do see them, they've made an effort.
3. The Waddle
Is it a duck? Is it a goose? Is it someone who's ridden a horse forever? No - it's a pregnant woman trying to walk. It's like watching Mr Wobbly-Man move in a forward direction. I'm fairly certain the roiling gait does no favours to the swollen ankles and feet but at least it keeps the heartburn moving. I also love the way other members of the public don't move out of the pregnant woman's trajectory. I mean, of course, she can suck it in and, let's not forget, she's highly agile. Able to change direction at whim. Oh and, you don't need to get up to let her sit down. She's only walked a mile on swollen feet to pick up her other progeny from school. You know, that classroom you're sat outside of. Oh, your child is in year four, whose door is on the opposite side of the playground? How nice. So thoughtful.
4. Emotional Range
Let's just say it's vast and has an impressive turn of speed.
I really think these are the creme de la creme aspects of being pregnant. I could go on about losing the ability to bend, but really, who needs that highly specialised motion in this day and age? As for getting in and out of bed well, some things should be kept private.