5 Years Old

This week my little boy turns five. 

I cannot remember exactly what life was like before I had children. I used to work a 9-5 in the city. I used to commute every day. I used to be thinner. I used to have a cinema card and go to the movies a couple of times a week.

But I also never wrote anything.

Sometimes it's difficult to remember who I am besides a mummy, wife, homemaker and writer. But then I consider perhaps this is all I am and that's ok. 

I can still love movies and be a mum. I can still have friends, go out and socialise (very occasionally) and be a wife. I can still drink tea with a good book and keep on top of the housework. And I can still write. I can't eat cake and lose weight though - that one I'm still working on.

After five years of motherhood, I still feel that 97% of the time I don't have the faintest idea what I am doing. If I allow the crippling feelings of doubt to overrun me I begin to panic. Am I doing the right things? Is he happy? Is he healthy? Could I be doing more? Am I being a bad mum?

Much the same thoughts that run through a writers head. However, even after the crippling self-doubt and anxiety, I publish a new book. Readers read and enjoy the stories and so I start to feel a little more confident. Maybe I do have an inkling of what I am meant to be doing.

My little boy is five years old. In the most simplistic of terms, I have kept another human being alive for 157,680,000 seconds. Every day he astonishes me with something new and every day I love him just a little bit more.

So I might not have the sharpest wardrobe. I might be so broke that buying chocolate digestives is splashing out. And I might not have had a face-to-face adult conversation for several weeks. But I do have a funny, handsome, exasperating and loving child and I wouldn't change that for the world.

Claire Buss is a sci-fi, fantasy & humorous writer and poet, completely addicted to cake. Find all her books on Amazon. Join the discussion in her Facebook group Buss's Book Stop.