If I didn't eat so much, I wouldn't need to keep going on a diet and there wouldn't be biscuits in my middle drawer (people always check the top one!!).
If I had more money, I wouldn't be so poor but then I would probably spend frivolously on things that don't mean anything and I probably still wouldn't be able to go on that amazing holiday.
If I didn't have to work, I would no longer be sat bored at work but would probably be bored out of my skull at home and be gagging to do something or maybe I would just not get out of bed.
If I didn't have an ass the size of a small country it would be a perky, pert thing worthy of a wolf whistle or three.
If my boobs weren't so big perhaps I wouldn't get so much leery attention when I wear a tight top but then the baggy ones make me look much bigger then I actually am.
If I was a brainiac I would have already finished my degree and wouldn't be slogging through piles of homework that make my brain actually hurt and I wouldn't have to worry about my upcoming resit exam.
If I hadn't learnt to live the Spanish way - mañana - then I wouldn't constantly say that the diet/exercise programme starts tomorrow.
If is a great word - we can forgive ourselves for so much by saying if, if, if but really I think if all our ifs were solved we'd just find new ones.
Now.. where's that biscuit tin..