I don't know what to blog. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to fix it and I don't know how to make it go away.
Not knowing is one of the most helpless feelings in the world. Surrounding ourselves with certainty is one way we can make ourselves feel better. But one man's certainty is anothers uncertainty. Some find solace in religion, the big stone churches of Christianity appear to be able to withstand anything and the priests at the helm speak with a confidence that encourages their flock to not question the blind devotion expected of them. I can't comment on the religion of other faiths but it has always occurred to me that religion is a separate issue to faith and it is religion that seeks to control us yet faith which can support us through difficult times.
Not knowing what another person is thinking during a tense or difficult time can also make you feel helpless so we find ways to read people. Tells that show how a person is feeling give them away. Certain words can be seen to be more emphasised then others. A single look can portray more emotion then you were prepared to give. And the infernal words 'Are you alright?' should be stricken from the English language. I am not alright, I don't think I will be alright and don't know how to make it alright. I am helpless and I do not know what do to about it and that makes me feel even more helpless.
It is times like this that we lean among our friends and our family. Those who know me well enough know not to say the words that should be stricken from the English language to me - instead they know to hug me and speak of things that I do know about so that feeling of helplessness can at least be smothered for a short while. Distract me, take me away from this place but whatever you do.... do not ask me if I am alright.